


Keep You Alive

by altusx



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, POV Neil Josten, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Promises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 11:10:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altusx/pseuds/altusx
Summary: The streetlight coming from the window hit Andrew’s face enhancing his angular features. He was even paler than usual, his skin sullen and sickly. Tufts of blond hair were stuck on his face, wet with cold sweat that covered the rest of his body and grimacing face. He tossed and turned in jerky movements, caught in vague whispers and mild heaving. He had pushed his bed sheet off of his torso revealing a wet shirt he kept clawing at leaving scratch marks on his skin. Whimpers were occasionally turning into agonized shrieks. “No!” he cried in his sleep as Neil helplessly thought of what to do. “No, don’t! Stop!” he started panting heavily.





	Keep You Alive

  Neil’s eyes fluttered open in alarm when a noise woke him up in the middle of the night. His hand instinctively slid under his pillow reaching for the gun that wasn’t there. Before he could get mad at himself for still being stuck in the past a faint grunt startled him. He tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes, still tired from the night practice and sat up wondering where the noise was coming from. The soft breathing sounds confirmed that Kevin and Nicky were both asleep. He listened past the silence: there were silent whimpers and shallow breathing coming from the direction of Andrew’s bed. They were followed by a sudden loud gasp and gruff mumbling ending with a pained “No!” He pushed his blanket aside and leaped out the bed:

“Andrew?”  
 

  The streetlight coming from the window hit Andrew’s face enhancing his angular features. He was even paler than usual, his skin sullen and sickly. Tufts of blond hair were stuck on his face, wet with cold sweat that covered the rest of his body and grimacing face. He tossed and turned in jerky movements, caught in vague whispers and mild heaving. He had pushed his bed sheet off of his torso revealing a wet shirt he kept clawing at leaving scratch marks on his skin. Whimpers were occasionally turning into agonized shrieks. “No!” he cried in his sleep as Neil helplessly thought of what to do. “No, don’t! Stop!” he started panting heavily.  
 

  Neil knew better than to touch Andrew when he was asleep and called his name a couple of times, loud and clear. It didn’t work. Andrew was now shaking and repeating the same words over and over again until... Until he said one word Neil had never heard him utter before and believed he never would: “Please!” the yell faded into a whisper “Please...” his eyes were covered in tears.  
 

  Shell-shocked Neil backed away and ended up bumping into Andrew’s nightstand. The empty liquor bottle resting on the edge shattered on the floor as loudly as it was possible. With that Andrew bolted up.

  Neil opened his mouth even though he was out of words to say but the trembling man pushed past him and dashed towards the bathroom. He heaved into the toilet bowl, shaking violently.

  Naturally Nicky and Kevin had woken up at the sound of commotion.          

“Ugh, what’s happening?” Nicky groaned.

  Neil didn’t answer staring at Andrew’s shaking body kneeling over the toilet. He was still under the shock of seeing Andrew show raw emotions for the first time. He had looked so hurt, so helplessly in pain; he looked vulnerable, defenceless, afraid and fragile like a child. It was hard to believe he was hiding this much trauma and agony behind apathy and carelessness every waking moment. Neil wasn’t new to carrying around such burdens but he’d always had the option to run away from his problems and identity whilst Andrew had lived under the same roof with them. His best attempt at leaving it behind had ironically been juvie. How could he live with it? With such a destructive storm inside him, that he somehow kept hidden from everyone. Suddenly the scars under his wristbands made much more sense.  
Neil felt a sudden jolt of anger at anyone who had ever called Andrew a monster or a psycho without feelings. He was not even close to being any of those. They were the masks that he let others believe to be his real self so he could hide how broken he was.  
 

  “Neil!” Kevin yelled probably the fifteenth time, now shaking him by the shoulders to get his attention. When he was satisfied that he had Neil’s attention he asked

“What’s happening?”

“Nothing. Andrew must’ve drunk too much. I was trying to see how he was doing and knocked the bottle over in the dark.”

  Kevin and Nicky shared doubtful looks and Nicky turned to Neil failing at hiding the doubt in his voice, “Are you sure? He never drinks that much.”

  Neil saw from the corner of his eye that Andrew was done emptying his stomach and was now just lifelessly leaning against the wall.

“Well it might be something he ate.” He raised implying eyebrows with the next sentence “I’ll handle it, you go back to bed.”

They didn’t budge.

“He won’t let you help anyway.” He added.

  They shared another look, Kevin’s uneasy and Nicky’s concerned, “ Neil-“ he started to say but Neil cut him off: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Sleep.”

  Slow and unsure they went back to their beds, though Neil would bet his whole blood money that they would listen to what was going on.

  Neil went inside the bathroom and shut the door. Normally he would’ve kept silent until Andrew gave him a green light but the situation looked like it needed something done. He extended a hand to an Andrew that looked on the verge of death.

“Andrew, are you-“

“No,” he said his voice hoarse and exhausted “don’t,” he gritted his teeth “don’t touch me.”

  Realizing his mistake Neil pulled his arm back. From the words Andrew had unintentionally let out he had ideas about what his nightmare was about, whether they it was obvious he wouldn’t want to be touched.

  He waited next to his drained body for a while. After minutes or maybe hours of silence Andrew shakily dragged himself up taking support from the wall and splashed cold water on his face in the sink. He dragged a wet hand through his hair and held onto the sides of the sink, hunching over as he tried to breathe steadily, water dripping from his head with slow taps.

  When he made sure he was able to breathe he left the bathroom without a glance at the mirror. Neil followed as he grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the nightstand and stomped out into the hall. Neil gave him five minutes before he joined him on the rooftop.

  He found Andrew on all fours dangerously close to the edge, panting and heaving, desperately trying to breathe. “Andrew!” he cried grabbing him by the chest and dragged him away from the edge saying “To hell with the no-touching rule.”

  He had managed to drag him barely half a foot away when he doubled over from a full-force punch to his stomach. He gasped and grunted one half of him expecting Andrew to calm down as he took his time but he only got worse. He was now almost entirely unable to breathe, drawing in loud and shallow gasps that sounded like shrieks as if he was having an asthma attack. His eyes were fixed on something nonexistent, his pupils dilated in terror. He wasn’t there, he was entirely out of touch with reality.

“Andrew! Stop, stop it! Whatever it is, it’s not real! It’s over, it’s in the past and it won’t ever happen again!”

  No matter how desperately Neil tried to convince him it was fine he was unresponsive to his words or even his existence. His eyes were out of focus, his mind somewhere else. He was gone somewhere out of Neil’s reach.

“Snap out of it!” he yelled desperately one last time, framing his face with his hands as e forced Andrew to face him. His eyes finally found focus in icy blue and he started coughing and dry heaving. Neil refused to let go of his face despite that Andrew was gripping his wrists tightly enough to stop the blood flow to his hands.

  Andrew tore Neil’s hands off when his coughing stopped and turned away as he struggled to catch his breath. After he recovered enough he sat with one knee pulled up, his forearm resting on it. He didn’t bother to look at Neil and spoke with a deathly tone so cold it almost gave him goosebumps:

“Leave.”

“No.”

“It wasn’t a request.”

  Neil sat cross-legged across Andrew as he lit a cigarette. Even though Andrew wasn’t saying anything Neil could almost SEE his anger in the air. It didn’t scare him. This wasn’t rage it was simply the only way Andrew let out any emotion. It was either nothing or anger with Andrew, regardless of what he was feeling. This way he could scare people away and wouldn’t have to let anyone in. It was merely a defence mechanism, that was all.

  Andrew didn’t repeat his words and they sat in silence. Neil wondered; he wondered about the truth and he wondered about Andrew. The game of truth they’ve been playing was currently very stationery. He had given his signed, handwritten biography to Andrew and despite the bonus turn he’d got, he still lacked a lot of information about his past. He wanted more answers but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stomach the truth. He knew Andrew would be honest in his own way; brief sentences and a low quantity of words that held more than books could tell. You just had to read between the lines. He never spoke empty or insignificant words, always choosing what comes out of his mouth carefully.  
Neil was sure this was NOT the time to ask his questions but he wasn’t leaving him alone. No matter how much Andrew isolated himself and ignored his pain Neil wouldn’t let him drown in this abyss, at least not alone.  
 

  When Andrew was finally through his third cigarette he decided to speak again: “Leave.”

Neil responded without hesitation, “No.”

Andrew, still avoiding eye contact, shrugged but Neil could see how tense he was. He sat leaving a foot between them, dangling his feet down the edge. Andrew lit another cigarette. Neil carefully took it from him avoiding any physical contact.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

They sat together for a long, long time, neither saying a word until the break of dawn.

“Aren’t you going to practice.”

“Are you?”

Andrew didn’t answer immediately,

“Kevin won’t be pleased.”

“There are more important things than Exy.”

“That’s anticlimactic coming from a junkie like you. I’m disappointed.”

“I did promise you the truth.”

“I should’ve hit you in the head instead of the stomach.”

“Aaron could help you with that.”

Andrew finally turned and looked Neil in the eyes, “A hundred and fifty.” He said stone-faced, then turned away again.

“That’s a big jump.” He paused “You could keep increasing that, I’m staying until you stop ignoring whatever it is that’s giving you that and tell me about it.” He pointed at Andrew’s shaking hands.

“I already did.” His gravelly tone failed to hide the exhaustion and fragility he had subtly suppressed since they had started talking.

  Neil’s confusion was brief and turned into awful realization in a heartbeat. How stupid could he be? He remembered when he had taken his bonus turn, when he had asked who made Andrew hate the word “please”. He was seven, he was told he would stop if he said it. He remembered how much he had resembled a child with that expression of fear twisting his face a few hours ago.

“You promised to keep me alive before. Let me do the same for you.”

  Andrew clasped his fingers together as they started trembling more violently. Neil studied him more scrupulously under the illuminating light of the early morning sun. He realized how pale and sullen he looked. He looked older and thinner, his skin pasty, his lips colourless and his eyes hollow. The way he sat with the bad posture of an old man made Neil feel uneasy. It was the first time Neil saw Andrew with honest exhaustion in his eyes, his gaze blank not because of numbness but mental strain. He was shivering softly from the chilly morning air under a voile t-shirt and boxers.

“Let’s go inside.”

“Later.”

Neil shook his head, “I’ll get them out. Fifteen minutes.” He didn’t wait for a response and went down to their room.

 

 

 

“Aw, come on! Get a room somewhere else we fucking live here!” Nicky protested.

“You have five minutes and twelve seconds left. Eleven, ten, nine-“

  Nicky cursed in German, made a retching sound at Kevin’s kale smoothie and left as a hot-mess with wild bed head.

  Kevin filled a bottle with his smoothie, took a sip, miraculously managed to swallow it with a straight face and glared at Neil. Neil was expecting something between “I’m disappointed” and “shame on you” and was left momentarily speechless by what he said.

“Make sure he can play by tomorrow. Get him to Dobson if it’s necessary.”

“If he’ll let me.”

“Make him.”

With that he swung his bag over his shoulder and banged the door behind him. A few minutes later Andrew came in.

  He stumbled making his way towards the bedroom but lost his balance midway. Neil reached towards him out of instinct but hesitated to touch him. Andrew hesitated with anger at himself.

“Let me Andrew.”

He nodded once as he let Neil support him. Neil seated him on his bed and put a blanket on him. Neil stood by the bed and looked at the spot at Andrew’s side.

“Yes.” He said as if he had read Neil’s mind.

  Neil lied down next to him. And slowly they fell asleep listening to the outside world come alive as they found comfort in their own little world with the warmth of not physical contact but trust and bitter understanding. They might have a long way to go before anything about this could come close to normal but feeling Andrew’s presence by the smell of cigarettes and a weight in his bed was enough for Neil. If it wasn’t for him this painfully familiar situation would still send Neil back into his haunting past and he could only hope that he’d be able to do the same for Andrew. Maybe it would take a long time and he would see past two thousand percent but it was worth it. Neil’s heart would always fill with hope as he knew sometime soon Andrew’s lips would trace his skin and he wouldn’t have to think about anything but his body heat.

He would keep Andrew alive because Andrew was keeping him alive.


End file.
